Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Things I've Learned from an Old Grouchy Mare

Things I've Learned from an Old Grouchy Mare

... A human can survive on 45-minute increments of sleep for one week straight. It is possible, it's just not pretty.
... My past of going out for a romantic dinner once a week is just that... in my past.
... Being in the barn aisle at 3am does not only happen during show season.
... Bute paste, when flung out of a horse's mouth and into your eyeballs, burns like hell.
... My vet answers his phone at 10pm, midnight and 1:30am by saying, "What's wrong with my girl, now?"
... 400 pounds doesn't "just go back on like that".
... Dewormer tastes horrific (that's both Ivermectin and Panacur, in case you were wondering)
... If you are 100% certain of a diagnosis, you are 100% wrong. Guaranteed.
... Colic only occurs under two conditions: 1) when I haven't slept for days, or 2) if I haven't slept for days and I have made rare "off-the-farm" plans.
... SMZ paste stains all clothing.
... My vet has secret plans of retiring off of me.
... Syringes are cheaper when you buy them by the 100-count box.
... SMZs are cheaper when you buy them by the 500-count bottle.
... Tall horses can amazingly grow even taller just prior to receiving oral medications.
... Mounting blocks sometimes are just not big enough.
... You cannot hold up a 900-pound horse. You just can't.
... The healthier mares are, the more bitchier and impatient they become.
... Medicine cannot be hidden in any of the following more than once: applesauce, molasses, sweet feed, pudding, whole apples or carrots.
... If you attempt to hide medicine in any of the above a second time, be prepared to have it blown in your hair and face, doused in saliva and partially chewed grain.
... If aggravated enough, horses will give you that "middle finger" look.
... There are three things in life that are certain: death, taxes and vet bills.
... Wrapping hind legs stimulates an instantaneous and horrendous gas reflex.
... Pill crushers cause massive blisters. Subsequent stall cleaning with said blisters is damn near impossible.
... Any manufacturer that says their product is "apple-flavored" lies.



  1. I think you said it all, for everyone who has horses. That was just too funny, and true.

  2. Way too cute....

    Comment re: pill crushing - get a coffee grinder!!! No blisters, way easy and you can tune out the kids &/or hubby while grinding pills! :)

  3. ".. Wrapping hind legs stimulates an instantaneous and horrendous gas reflex."

    That is SOOOO Funny. I have a rescue that we took in and have to treat a nasty wound on her butt and EVERY time you touch it to wash it that first time she lets loose!!!

  4. Hahaha this was so great. I love faith, she is getting more gorgeous by the day!

  5. "Wrapping hind legs stimulates an instantaneous and horrendous gas reflex."

    All along I have said that when a horse sees a person behind the tail, for whatever reason the person is there, the horse thinks "Why waste a perfectly good fart. Wait for a human to go back there."

    I LOVED all your things learned. Been there, done that, washed the t-shirt multiple times.


  6. ".. Wrapping hind legs stimulates an instantaneous and horrendous gas reflex."

    LOL--I've had the pleasure of more than just gas and almost getting hit by steaming horse apples!

  7. Absolutely dead-on for each and every one!! Just know that most of us understand completely!!

  8. Hahaha sooo funny Julie!!! She was so shiny when I brushed her down today!

  9. Hahah i love this post!! I remember when the medicane was blown into your face! lol That was funny! And I also love th picture of her above!! <33

    ~Lambert <333

  10. I've discovered you can crush/pulverize pills in a cheap electric coffee grinder. :)

  11. Coffee grinder to crush the pills, and then dissolve them in a small amount of warm water - THEN pour them into applesauce and grain. Years of working with racetrack lay-ups, this always works! Good luck.

  12. My rescue, Ryan, is an Appie cross (but he's 17hh so of course he's a "warmblood"), and is the GASSIEST horse I have ever been around. He poops and then gasses for a full MINUTE, I swear. There is a pipe panel with stud wire welded on it between the stalls/paddocks of my two-stall barn, and Ryan likes to come stand with me while I'm cleaning the other stall. "Supervision" at its finest.

    Needless to say, I get a lot of the gas noises. Reminds me of the old joke about Lawrence Welk and his champagne music: "Turn off the bubble machine."

    Glad you two had a good "mini-vacation," and of COURSE everyone wants to know how Faith is. No one knows me if I say my name, but if I say I'm Huey's mother, the look of recognition comes.

    Keep up the good work!